Be Your Own Godmother: Hack Happy Ever After with Oxytocin— Part 2
By Jaya Dubey
Find Part 1 — Dopamine here.
Crank up the Oxytocin
If high dopamine is rewarded more in men than women, oxytocin (a powerful neurotransmitter that controls everything from our reproductive system to cortisol levels to human interaction) is the sanctioned and serenaded femininity molecule. It produces that preferred maternal goodness, tying together ovaries, uterus and mammary glands into a warm and fuzzy bundle of bonding and attachment — at its highest in lactating mothers. No shit, Sherlock.
But what if you’re fresh out of these maternal reserves? Feeling disconnected. Detached or numb. Can’t be permanently pregnant, can we? Not all of us have functioning uteruses.
Try these baby steps:
Hug someone. Pet a pet.
Belong.
Touch and warmth stimulate oxytocin, which helps in reducing fear and isolation. Release this cuddle chemical that makes you trust and feel cherished. Hold someone, and feel the stress seep away. Feel your breathing become more even.
Kiss
Have sex
Orgasm
Ah yes. You owe yourself multiple orgasms. If you have a loving and attentive partner, great. If not, you really don’t need anyone else. Find your position, safe spot, props, toys, lube — any oil will do in a pinch — and explore what pleases you. Check out Agents of Ishq and Feministing for the hows, whys and must-dos.
All godmothers need Magic Wands. Hitachi on Amazon delivers. Bippity Boppity Boo!
Screw the stigma and shame — that’s all made up. Take charge: our bodies, ourselves, remember. Smash the patriarchy an orgasm at a time.
Don’t feel like doing any of the above because it’s just too much work? Get a massage.
Touch is healing (although not for someone with sensory processing, or trauma issues). Apply lotion on your face and body in soothing, gentle circles. Take your time. Feels too self-indulgent? So what? Get someone to give you a hair massage. My daughter is not a hugger and can be touch-averse. But she loves a good head massage with coconut oil — that is the only time when she’ll let me touch her long enough, and we’ve both come to secretly relish this contact.
Soak in a hot tub if you’re able.
Text someone. Reach out.
No kidding — oxytocin is also called the love and empathy hormone. There’s a reason why women secrete this during pregnancy, childbirth and lactation.
And texting is so genius.
I find it hard to talk on the phone — too much stress and anxiety build-up of what I’ll say and what they’ll say back and how I’ll react, and on and on. So now I’ve made a rule: if I am thinking of someone, I will shoot them a text. A line or two. Thassit. This may lead to a conversation thread or eventually even a phone call. Yay. Or not. No biggie.
Be Kind — to yourself
Here’s Natasha Badhwar telling us to coexist with our messy and complicated realities as a kindness to ourselves — hang on to memories that give you joy, toss the rest.
Self-Compassion Matters
The idea of sharing is caring is old but gold. But make sharing also about self-caring. Share not just things, but ideas, knowledge, resources, hopes, fears, and anxieties too. Crowdsource. One, it’s empowering: you’ll realize that others are facing their own crises even as you gain a trustworthy listener and collaborator. Two, verbalizing the head stuff, putting it out there in the universe, reduces its power over us.
If you feel up to it, volunteer. At a library if you want quiet time. An animal shelter?
Be Random
Give a gift. Small. It doesn’t matter. What matters is the smile you’ll put on their face (or not) and the joy you will radiate. My new thing: when I’m at the drive-thru window I pay for the person behind me. One, I want to be known as the crazy lady in my city who goes around paying for happy meals and smiles. Two, it’s a self-imposed fine for indulging in high salt, sugar and fat.
Talk to whomever you trust. Eventually let people around you know about your off days or when you need a time-out. When you’re able, be more open about your struggles. There’s no need to pretend you’re superhuman. None of us are. Even the smartest, prettiest, strongest women are dealing with complex issues of self-worth.
Cry
Ironic (I haven’t cried in 30 years). But crying is powerful therapy, experts say. It washes away rancor, guilt, self-pity, anguish, and so much more. Who knew it regulated your mood, blood pressure and body temperature! Try it and let me know how it goes.
Mine your Memories
Old photos or albums make us smile. Look closely at yourself in these photos. You look pretty good (even though you avoided taking photographs for a decade), right? And you had a good time too, as you connected with favorite family members and friends.
Surround yourself with these memories. Switch out and rotate pictures in your frames if you have the energy for it. Even one is OK. Digital frames are a great investment in random smiles as you walk by to raid the kitchen for chocolate or chips.
Summon Your Godmothers
There are some excellent therapists and goddesses on social media. Thanks to Twitter, I stumbled upon Martha Crawford (@shrinkthinks) and Guilaine Kinouani (@KGuilaine). Their blogs and twitter feeds are immensely empathetic resources for women of colour as they advocate for diversity in therapy. You might have your own go-to people. Find your own mentors and spiritual guides, real or virtual. Follow strong and powerful women on social media. Don’t fall for patriarchal bullshit that taught us to mistrust women. We are our best allies.
Having a shitty day? Here’s Beth McColl, an advice columnist, walking us through a particularly low-functioning time. Gurprriet Singh’s twitter thread on depression is especially compassionate.
Speaking of godmothers, Dixon Chibanda is a psychiatrist — only 1 of 12 in all of Zimbabwe which has a population of 14 million. How to support and help the mental health interests of a community that is so underserved? Chibanda came up with an incredibly compassionate solution: Grandmothers!
(Trigger warning; suicide, trauma.)
Be Mindful
As we practice self-care and wellness, I hope it opens us up to more compassion and empathy for those who do not share our privilege or status.
No kidding — oxytocin is also called the love and empathy hormone. There’s a reason why women secrete this during pregnancy, childbirth and lactation.
Minorities face a special kind of day-to-day trauma navigating the landmines of bigotry, discrimination, and gaslighting. And then there’s the shame associated with mental illness within their communities: “Stop airing our dirty laundry!” “You’re making our people look bad!” are common shushing strategies that ransom women’s rights. But there is hope. And help. Mental health is key to human development and must be part of any civil rights manifesto.
Write
Try writing about a happy memory, or even a beloved photograph. Forget about grammar and spelling — this is for your eyes only. Journal the clutter and clamour out of your system — writing still remains one of the best ways to organize thoughts and emotions.
Feeling fierce? Try the Bullet Journal — for free. I like this idea a lot, but can’t find the energy to commit — my stock pattern of “starting with a bang and quitting with a whimper” makes me wary.
But is my reluctance really due to some super self-awareness, or am I just buying into the conventional wisdom that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Because behavioral experts say that you can indeed learn new things no matter what your age or personality. And users do attest that the Bullet Journal system is a simple and productive way to stay organized. We’ll see.
Take the next step when you’re ready: There is power in articulating gratitude. Thank whatever, whoever. On the other hand, if you can’t seem to get past negative thoughts write those down too. Burn, shred, or rip this piece of paper once you’re done. No one else has to see this; you never have to read this yourself. But transferring the thoughts from mind to paper does reduce their intensity — some of the toxicity is flushed away with the mental litter. This leaves more room in your brain to think clearly, more room in your lungs to breathe deeply.
Breathe
Listen to Retta: Treat Yo’self
Check out @girlsnightinHQ for tips and tricks.
Feed Yo’self too
Eggs, pepper, avocados, spinach, pumpkin seeds, figs, watermelon and bananas are all oxytocin-rich. This hormone has been linked to cutting the cord between food and reward therefore preventing our carb binges and endless snacking — it could get us unhooked from all that “hedonic eating.”
Dance
Dance like no one’s watching. Watch and feel yourself light up.
