Be Your Own Godmother: Hack Happy Ever After with Dopamine — Part 1
By Jaya Dubey
Come new year and we’re bombarded with chatter about resolutions. Self-care and fitness industries ramp up their promotions (and our guilt quotient). Is it any surprise then, that January is also the cruelest month for us depressives?
Depression sucks. But you knew that already. On some days it’s a prickly escape to no-no land: no, I won’t do this. Not that either. On others it’s numbing armor and a high-speed osterizer — pulsing, crushing, pureeing everything in its steel jaws.
I took decades to name it, own it … stumble through some haphazard ways to cope. The idea of tapping into one’s happy chemicals (dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins — D.O.S.E. for short) once sounded too good to be true. But then came a time when I was willing to give D.O.S.E. a go.
How about you?
The tips below aren’t perfect. They may even seem too privileged — not everyone has the luxury of time and space. Or privacy. Some of the following self-remedies cost money, others may be free. Free is important. Not just because women typically feel guilty about splurging on self-care. More, because many of us talk ourselves out of spending money on our needs since we’re not worth it. We are queens of the impostor syndrome after all.
So go ahead, tweak these recipes to turn your happy chemicals into heady cocktails if you feel up to it.
Mine that Dopamine
Dopamine is our motivation molecule; our pleasure centre and reward chemical rolled into a quick thrill. We feel awesome when we’ve achieved something, been successful, but crave artificial highs when it depletes. Procrastination, self-doubt, and lack of enthusiasm and focus are linked with low levels of dopamine. Lethargy, self-destructive and addictive behaviors may soon follow.
And of course dopamine behaves differently in women. Why would anything be easier or textbook for us? Because everything related to high dopamine — pleasure, success, thrill — is contrary to everything conventionally feminine. The world wants us to look happy not necessarily be happy. And now a new German study says that high levels of dopamine in women could lead to higher distractability and reduced impulse control. Because estrogen.
Just bloody perfect. We feel shitty on low levels and act shitty on high. You know what, let’s do this. Let’s go for high. Own that inner bitch.
You could discuss magnesium deficiency with your physician and inquire about vitamins C and E that help with dopamine production. Because dopamine is super complex (but be prepared for your doctor telling you that drugs for dopamine are for “serious” issues like bipolar disorder, BPD, ADHD etc. But you’re used to doctors brushing off your concerns, right? I hope your doctors are used to you pushing back).
Push back.
And try some of the following:
List Your Accomplishments
In fact, Asha Rangappa, ex-FBI Special Agent, doesn’t make new-year resolutions any more. Instead she lists successes and hits from the previous year. She says it’s more positive and energizing than a big, fat (and unrealistic) to-do list. Put this brag-list in your Reminders on the phone, or pin it — fridge, bulletin board, wherever. A folded note in your purse? Heck, tape it to the bathroom mirror.
Don’t forget that self-pep talk (more on this later). You are NOT a loser. You are not lazy no matter how much you procrastinate. According to Martha Crawford, LCSW, you may just be feeling de-motivated at the moment. These moments don’t define you.
One of my favorite romance writers Alisha Rai, who also struggles with depression, has this to say: “You can be strong and have moments of incredible despair, when everything feels like it’s collapsing in on you, and yes, when you feel like this, you want to die. Those moments are not weaknesses. They are simply moments. And they are not you.”
Believe it.
Feel pride
You can still do amazing things.
Set new goals
If you trust apps and aren’t resistant to organizers (like me), try a project management app like Trello to organize your goals and values. Because it is possible to change and get better no matter how slow your pace, or what the inner nag tells you. Just because others around you are driven and motivated, doesn’t mean you’re defective.
Stop comparing
Do you.
Find your own rhythm, your path. If setting goals seems too daunting, just plan for today. OK, half a day. Make a list and cross things off when you complete even the minutest of tasks.
Admiral William McRaven says to start the day by making your bed. “If you make your bed every morning you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride, and it will encourage you to do another task and another and another. By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed,” says this Navy SEAL. Psst, I didn’t make my bed today.
Pfft.
Take breaks
Break tasks into bite-size pieces. Chunkify. Set timers.
Do reward yourself: Take a nap. Light a scented candle or a stick of sandalwood incense. Dab on a favorite perfume you were saving for a special moment— even if you’re in your jammies.
Surround yourself with favorite things. Treat yourself as an honored guest once in a while — get that fine china out, or any of that good stuff you’ve been salting away for special occasions.
Keep Learning
This has been life-saving for me. My big aha! moment of self-awareness came with the concept of developing a growth mindset as explained by Carol Dweck, a professor of psychology at Stanford. For decades I made myself feel rotten because of some foolish attachment to the idea of perfection thus avoiding problems and challenges. If I couldn’t do it perfectly, what was the point? If others did it so well, then I’m just a failure, and so on. Duh, they weren’t perfect to begin with. They tried. They failed. And like that eensy-weensy spider, they tried again.
Try
Unlearn
Unlearn patriarchy and its daily belittling of your pleasure, success and thrill. Unlearn that self-loathing you’ve mastered so well, that guilt you’ve done a doctorate in. Be your own unteacher and drop the load you’ve been hauling.
“I am a slow unlearner. But I love my unteacher,” says Ursula K. Le Guin.
Make Shit Better
Low dopamine makes us crave instant gratification and mutliple distractions in the small things. Impulse buying, binge-eating, risky behavior or decisions may follow leading to regret and lower self-esteem. Dazed Magazine’s advice columnist, Beth McColl (@imteddybless), tackles the big question of when self-care stops being self-care and instead becomes self-destructive behavior. You can make things better.
Have Faith
Balance the boatload of doubt with a little faith. Find the idea of self-care cringeworthy, too privileged? Think of ways to nourish your resilience and stay strong for the future. Find the roots of your strength and feed them right.
Stretch
Stand tall
Make yourself physically bigger. Breathe deep and expand with each breath. Widen your stance. Reach up.
Take up room.
Because everything related to high dopamine — pleasure, success, thrill — is contrary to everything conventionally feminine.
Stand Up
Stand up for something that matters to you. Thanks to the rise of right-wing politics and toxic politicians the world over, vulnerable and margnalized communties are under seige. So are women. The civil rights of entire populations from China, to India, to Turkey, to America are being threatened, their human rights systematically violated. These groups are having to expend emotional and physical labor only to prove their humanity over and over again.
“The burden of the oppressed is to name oppression, prove it exists, teach about it, do it in a way that is not offensive to the people listening and potentially causing the harm, and to find and propose solutions.” — Jeewan Chanicka (Educator and Community Activist)
You can stand up and make some noise against this continued injustice. Be an ally. Be as active as you’re able — if you can’t join a protest, can you raise money? If you can’t donate funds can you use your social media platforms to amplify the voices of people on the frontlines? Can you change people’s minds on WhatApp groups? Offer to print flyers for a rally? Flood lawmakers’ offices with calls, texts, faxes? Yes, you can.
Set a timer. Five minutes or ten. That’s all it could take.
Small things do make a big difference.
Part 2 — Oxytocin
Originally published in Feminism in India. Re-published here with their permission.
